Thursday, February 24, 2011

I AM Good Enough, Just As I AM.

After an unfavorable weigh-in this morning (+1.5lbs), I've decided it's time to get a handle on a few things, and what better way to organize my thoughts, change the negative ones and revise my strategy than to get it all out here in my blog?!  Mike is right.  I need to share more of my downs as well as my ups, rather than my usual style of bottling myself right up and barely interacting with anyone when I'm feeling low.  So, here goes...

Why, oh why, have I been feeling so low and unconfident this past week?  Unworthiness, impatience with myself and feeling as though what I do is never enough.  Who's making me feel this way?  Me, myself and I.  No one else.  I receive SO much support, encouragement and love from so many.  Mike, my fiance, has been and continues to be my ROCK; he has my back throughout it all.  Dalton, my lovely son, he's been doing SO well lately after working out some behavior issues he'd been having.  The rest of my family, friends and acquaintances have been nothing but absolutely supportive.  And, despite my feelings of low self-worth, I have to admit I really have been doing some pretty cool things lately (see this article I recently wrote: 5 Ways to Break Bad Habits).  So why isn't it enough for ME?!  Why do I still feel like I'm unworthy of all the praise, of confidence, of feeling good about myself and my accomplishments?

I posted my October 2010 to February 2011 progress photo (below) on Facebook and MyFitnessPal so I'd have visual confirmation of the progress I've made.  Not so much for everyone else to see, though I must admit to enjoying the feedback from publicly posting such photos.  However, it was more so an attempt to show myself my own progress and an attempt to allow myself to feel a little bit of pride and confidence.  Validation.

Well, I can SEE what I've accomplished.  I can even feel it.  Most of the time.  Other moments (confession time!) I'm downright disgusted still.  Huh?!  On the one hand I'm perfectly pleased with how my weight loss journey is going, slow and steady, becoming a LIFESTYLE change; not just a victim of yet another get-thin-quick diet scheme.  But, on the other hand, ego (my "mind with a mind of its own") still takes hold and I end up feeling miserable about myself because I'm not at my goal yet.  Really?!  Must I really and truly beat myself up every single day because I'm not progressing as fast as my ego/mind thinks I should?!

That same ego mind also enjoys gloating and really rubbing it in when I "cheat" - skip a workout or three, or overeat (see my last blog post: Confession.) -- confirmation that I'm really not all that good a person, that I'm not doing all that great after all.  That I don't deserve to feel worthy until I reach my end goal, and even then who knows if I'll be "good enough".

Well, ya know what, ego mind?  I WANT to be confident in myself, faults and all; I AM good enough just as I am, and you'll just have to get used to that right along with everyone else!  I honestly do my very best each and every day to be the best person I can be.  To my ego mind, though, enough is never enough.  I could have done better here... I should have done better there... etc.  Well, as a good friend would say, all the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" mind chatter in the world won't change the past.  The only thing that will atone for past mistakes is to correct them by doing better in the future... no, not even in the future... in the NOW. ;)

And, I must come to a point where enough really just has to be enough.  I'm NOT Superwoman.  I'm not meant to do it all in one day (this goes for weight loss, fitness, being a good mommy, a good partner, cleaning up my credit, finances, etc.).  Heck, as the ol' saying goes, I didn't put all this weight on in a day, so it sure as crap isn't going to come back off in a day!  I think I've done pretty darn well this past year, and I DESERVE to feel good about that and about myself in all areas of my life.  And, I intend to begin doing what it takes to do just that, starting ... NOW.   I thank each and every one of you for your continued support.  Good day and Namaste! :)


  1. yes stop beating urself up!, your doing well

  2. Sometimes when the results aren't immediate anymore, it gets tough to see how good you are really doing. You are at the point where your body is shaped and now its just toning itself now so the results are slow going. That leads to the heavy self loathing when you cheat. I get scared after I cheat that I will get myself back in the rut of gaining weight so I push myself harder and feel horrible about myself. I completely understand where you are coming from! You are doing so well Chandra and you just need to start doing alot of positive self talk! This is just a phase and you will push through it.

  3. Don't worry so much. It sounds like you are doing a great job reaching your goals and besides, you look great! Keep it up.

  4. @ShreddingIt: Thank you!

    @Ang: This blog & everyone's support definitely has helped to get me outta the funk I found myself in. Thank you!!! :)

    @Cascia: Thanks very much!! I put in a kick-butt workout this afternoon. :)

  5. Sometimes we get into a rut of feeling like we arent doing enough. Especially when we see a gain on the scale. Stupid scale. Thats why I dont have one. I was happy to leave it behind. That 1.5lbs could be water (TOM may be imminent and he sucks monkey butt!)retention. It could be you built a muscle to replace some fat. There are a million and a half reasons for that 1.5lbs that have nothing to do with actual fat weight gain. Time of day affects it. Have you crapped lately? Constipation is a BIG enemy. I have seen posts where people have lost 2-5 lbs just by dumping a load. lmbo. Gross to talk about, but it needs to be said. If you are doing the right things that you know you need to be doing, then you will be alright.

    You have done an amazing job in such a short time. I think you just need some mental work. Many people lose but still see a fat person, even though they are not. Or even keep those thoughts that got you fat and made you stay that way so long.

    You are worthy of this journey. Its meant to happen. The time is now and you are tackling your renegade body with all that you have. I see it. Everyone sees it. Just got to let your mind catch up.