Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Bikini and the Ego

~ THE bikini ~
Boy, what a Memorial Day weekend!  We went to the lake and had a nice, relaxing time.  I indulged, and then overindulged.  Not just on one day, but throughout the entire weekend.  Ate when I wasn't hungry, ate even when I was stuffed. Ack!  My justification?  I wanted it.  That was all.  Hello sugar overload!

I'm still feeling the effects of it even now.  I've had major sugar cravings every day since.  My stomach's been upset at me.  I've felt more "foggy-headed" and less like "myself" since then, too.  Less able to think clearly.

Perhaps part of it was the intimidating thought, and then practice, of wearing my bikini for the first time in public.  Yes, I did it.  Big deal for me, not such a big deal for anyone else.  Nobody scoffed, scorned or laughed.  Yet, I felt... somewhat out of place wearing it.  Not because it's not comfortable, because it is.  No, it's more... I'm so unused to baring that much skin, new territory for me.  Scary.

Perhaps I didn't feel worthy of wearing it quite yet, so stuffing my face with food was maybe a subconscious attempt to sabotage all the work I'd done thus far; my ego's attempt to prove to me just how unworthy it wants me to think I am.  Whatever the case, I let myself be led by ego once again.  Dragged down into self-deprecating thoughts and feelings one more time.

Breaking the habit of a lifetime, that's what I'm doing.  Bit by bit.  I don't expect it to be easy, or for it to be "solved" all at once.  I cannot look back over the past weekend with guilt or regret, because... well, that would be ego having its say again and again, wouldn't it?  Yep, no thanks.  I need to get up, dust myself off, get back on track and be even more vigilant of my thoughts and the motive(s) behind those thoughts.  That's it.  Lesson learned.

I'm ready for some more fun in the sun at the lake throughout the summer (with bikini in tow)... now that we're lake-property-owners and all! :-D

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